inhale. exhale. no.

What do you need to feel safe?

Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash

Last post we chatted about what you need to feel safe as you adventure down the path of saying “yes” to your Soul’s callings (in case you missed it, you can read that Soul Note here).​

This week I’d like to talk about the times when you need to say “no” on the journey to finding your spark again.​

It’s hard though, right? For so many reasons, we may have learned it’s the more appropriate response to smile politely and just say yes to whatever life throws down on our path because it’s simply impolite to say no.​

This can also come from a mis-placed sense of responsibility to be everything to everyone. If you are a healer and you feel the pain of the world deeply in your bones, you most likely want to help out anywhere you can to ease the suffering of others, even when it comes at the expense of your own well being.​

It may have also been unsafe to say no. You may have ended up on the receiving end of some unkind words if you’ve ever tried to say - “sorry, no I can’t help you/be there for you/do what you’re asking me to do/be what you want me to be for you. I need to take care of myself today.”​

If your body responded by getting all twisted up at even the thought of this, it’s ok. Take a breath. You’re not alone. I invite you to keep reading!​

This can create so much fear in our bodies that we find ourselves doing all of the things, jumping through all of the hoops and enduring as much discomfort as we can to simply avoid having those around us be upset with us.​

It’s gets exhausting, doesn’t it?​

I’d like to share some words of wisdom one of my teachers shared with me:​

“You should never have to make yourself sick in order for someone else to be healthy”.
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This piece of wisdom has stuck to me like glue. I honestly had never considered that before. To be truthful, until I was later into my thirties, I didn’t even know I had needs of my own, never mind knowing how to identify what they were.
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I was just reacting and adjusting to the world around me in an effort to maintain what I know now was a false sense of peace and harmony.
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I didn’t have the language to let people know how I was really feeling and I certainly didn’t have the courage to speak up about it either.
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This was one of the lessons my Soul came here to learn. Hello, my name is Kristen and I am a recovering people pleaser! My sensitive Soul just hates it when people are mad at me. It’s something I took very personally and felt deep down in my heart for a long time. I thought that if someone was upset with something I thought, felt or said it meant I was a bad person. It took a lot of self love to turn this around.
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This journey of self discovery has taught me that we are all responsible for getting to know ourselves, what our needs are and to communicate with others what our needs and boundaries are as well.
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Easier said that done! It’s been years of exploration and experimentation. Of getting it right at times and wrong at others. It is an ongoing journey that has led me to feel a little more empowered with every challenge that comes my way.
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Being in the practice of checking in with myself and saying no when it’s right for me, as well as shifting my perspective to know that we are all ultimately responsible for ourselves, has allowed me to create the space to actually feel my own energy, to move with the callings of my own Soul and to feel safer in my body even when faced with the influence of other’s expectations, judgements and criticisms.
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My wish is for you to have this experience as well.
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It’s scary though. If it doesn’t feel safe to speak up for yourself, chances are your body has been on the receiving end of some intense energy at times where you tried to speak your truth.
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If I can offer some guidance, it would be to do your inner work first. A tell tale sign you are saying yes when your Soul wants you to say no is a feeling of restriction, nervousness or shut down in the body. It can also feel like you need to perform in order to receive love or validation. For others it can be a build up of resentment and anger that is either really obvious or hiding underneath the surface.
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Awareness is always the first step to healing. Start to become aware of this pattern within yourself first.
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It’s ok to keep saying yes until you reach a place of inner strength, safety and courage to start saying no.
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When we are in healthy relationship with one another, there is support and encouragement on both sides to help each other be the healthiest and most authentic versions of ourselves.
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The trouble we run into is that there are a lot of unhealthy relationship dynamics we’ve learned to buy into, to the point we don’t even realize they are unhealthy. It’s just normal. Because that has been what was modelled to us and that is what we learned we needed to do in order to be loved and validated.
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Have patience and remember everyone is doing the best they can considering where they are on their own journey of self discovery. This includes you too!
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If you find yourself in an abusive or toxic relationship, I encourage you to do some research to know the resources available to you in your area and reach out for support. There is a lot of support out there in the form of books, programs and professional counselling to help you learn how to better identify what your needs are and how to navigate your relationships in a way that is supportive to your own health. 
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You’re allowed to feel safe in this world. And when you are running yourself ragged to make sure everyone else is taken care of (or to make sure no one ever gets mad at you), you’ll start to notice a lot of anxiety building up in your nervous system. And if you feel like you’ve lost your spark, this may be one of the primary reasons your energy is feeling drained right now.
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Knowing what you need to say "no" to may be one of the most important steps you take to empower yourself to find your spark again.
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This week, start to pay attention to how your body communicates your Soul’s “no” to you. Then, when you have time to yourself, reflect back on the situation, take three breaths and ask yourself this . . .
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What do you need to feel safe?
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Please share with anyone who may need to hear these words right now.
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May we all support one another to uplift the heart of our world to greater experiences of love, health and harmony.
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With Love,
Kristen
XO

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I created the Find Your Spark Journey to provide you with all of the guidance & practices you need to support your path of self discovery. It's all about connecting to your inner wisdom to clear out the clutter that doesn’t feel like you anymore, so you can know yourself better than ever before. And if you can love all that you are at the same time, that's even better!
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If you would like to navigate this life with greater confidence and ease while being connected to your most authentic self, you are welcome to come and join the journey. I'd love to have you there.  Learn more

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